The Sweet Sweetness that I Am
What is it that stares through my eyes? I am ever present Presence
Very truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “before Abraham was born, I am!”
"I" has been present in every experience I have encountered. When I was 10 years old and celebrated my birthday, “I” was there, fully experiencing the joy and excitement of that moment. When I turned 40 years old, “I” was there again, experiencing a different kind of celebration with perhaps a deeper experience of life. These events, separated by decades, changed in nature, but “I” remained the common denominator, the constant observer and experiencer.
When I look back at a photo of my 10th birthday party, I see that the body captured in the photo, a youthful version of myself, and the body I am aware of now, more mature and aged, are different. Yet, the essential "I" that observes and reflects remains unchanged. This continuity of self is evident in the simplest of experiences as well. When I was hungry, I was present, acutely aware of the physical sensation of hunger. When I was no longer hungry, that sensation disappeared, but the "I" that experienced it remained.
"I" has been there, unwavering, in every single one of my experiences, while the experiences themselves are in a state of constant flux. The events, emotions, and physical states change, but the "I" that witnesses them stays the same, providing a continuous thread through the fabric of my life.
But what is this I-ness that I refer to?
It becomes evident that when the stain of attention, burdened by images of the past and future, is seen through, what remains is the pure essence of Presence. Presence, in its true form, is unstained and untouched by the allure and distractions of experience. Experience, after all, is merely the activity of the mind, constantly shifting and changing. Presence, however, is the constant, unchanging background, unaffected by the mind's fluctuating nature.
For many, it takes a sharpening of awareness to see the subtle nuance here. It indeed takes going beyond mind’s constant chatter to see what’s truly been present. When thoughts are silent(and not necessarily because they are not there but because they clearly are a recession on the side of clear seeing, it’s obvious that they are not owned by any entity called ‘me’. They are a playful phenomena that’s transmitted on the radio station that’s called perception. In that clear seeing, we are aware of ourselves and we are aware of thoughts being not a part of ourselves, but a witnessed effect. The thoughts, all thoughts, are seen as not personal. We just are awareness of them. And that awareness is seen distinctly than the chattering, jabbering thought.
And no, this is not dissociation. It is in fact the seeing of ourselves as Our Self. The identified sweetness of this clear seeing is that what I took myself to be was only a mental construct, the ego— the small self that I once called me. It takes just a little bit for the mental activity to catch up to realize that there only is trust in the Mysterious, a trust in God, a trust in the Universe where I realize I have had no part in the making of ‘myself’.
Presence becomes wholely known. Each physical and mental activity becomes purely experienced in the fineness of experience known by a Knower. Washing dishes becomes washing dishes. Mopping the floor becomes holding the mop while mopping the floor. None of these activities corrupted by a wandering thought about me. But “I”, Awareness, sees the activity of this little me. It sees all activity not as solidly as it always was. A conversation with a co-worker becomes the firework of spontaneous activity. Seeing the activity of being cut-off in traffic is no longer seen as being cut-off in traffic. It is seen as the activity of the Mysterious. But who sees it? Is it not “I”.
“I” stands behind the eyes, knows what is seen, knows what is smelled, knows what is listened to and knows what is felt through the doors of perception. This “I” stays boundless, untouchable, unseeable and unknowable. For to be knowable should mean this Unknowable could be observed. But who is it that then observes the unobservable? How can the Knower be the object?
How can the boundless have an age? How can it have a beginning and an ending? Isn’t it obvious that before Abraham or myself was, I am?
Do all of these confuse you? Consider this: if you have a mind and you have a body, you must be prior to the mind or body. No? Indeed, you may say “I” have a mind. But the “I” that has the mind is not the mind. You may also say “I” have a body. Can you see it? If “I” have a body, then I can’t be the body. So what is “I”?
In the absence of the body or the mind, do I cease to be then? Does this still do your head in? Does this still confuse you? Will this next question confuse you further: before I was born, where was I?
If you stayed long enough with that question, perhaps the mind would be undone and you’d see that you still are— in the absence of mind.
That placeless place is the sweet sweetness that you are— that I am.