The paradox of Self-Knowledge

A meditation

In the search for ultimate meaning(assuming one hasn’t short-circuited the journey by adopting someone else’s conclusions), we eventually run into paradoxes. I am talking about loads and loads of paradoxes. The rookie mistake is trying to resolve them. And the impulse to tie everything up in a neat bow is what strands many of us on the roadside of what is, in truth, an endless unfolding of experience with, to and in the Divine.

In my experience, the first and possibly most disorienting paradox is this: in seeking the Divine, one finds oneself; and in finding oneself, one finds only the Divine. This paradox is swiftly followed by yet another: there is no true self to speak of at all. Only the true Self, the Divine, is. The mind, eager as always to grasp, asks, “Okay, but what do I do with this?” as if any of these paradoxes are a riddle to be solved.

When I first set out on this “spiritual path”, I thought the goal was to arrive at some sustained, transcendent high, a kind of perpetual bliss state. I figured enlightenment meant I’d float through life invincible and practically divine in a way that would finally leave my humanity behind. But of course, the next paradox came crashing in: I realized that to be fully Divine is to be fully human. And to be fully human is to wear the Divine completely. To add to this, was the realization that there’s no darn bypassing of the emotional spectrum; you meet it all. Grief, joy, longing, confusion. “You don’t transcend the mess—you sanctify it by not running from any of it.”

Then comes the most intimate revelation: the raw, unfiltered experience of being. It levels you. You realize sincerely, not intellectually, that you know absolutely nothing. About anything. You see, we were trained to know objects, to collect facts, to gain understanding. Years of school, books, labels, structures, names, all of what we have culturally been told to memorize, to use to navigate all of our experiences. We have relied on these labels and relied on knowledge of objects that we have no idea what it is to go beyond identification with objects, to go beyond the use of objects. But now, standing face-to-face with being itself, none of knowledge holds. Nothing remains to be known except the one thing we avoided all along: Self-knowledge. Self-knowledge, the clear seeing of the Divine, could never be described, could never be taught, could never even be experienced. For it to be experienced, the Self has to be projected onto a screen, observed, annotated, described, or examined. But the Self is not an object. It is what is left after objectification drops.

Self-knowledge is the recognition that you’ve never not been yourself. You’ve never not been here. And here is non-locale. This here is this very moment, a moment that never began or will never end. This very moment which could not be held, positioned or frozen in place, not ruled or touched by time, is not divorced from what we are essentially. This very moment is what eternal life is— not a life that goes on and on for eternity but a life that is not influenced by time. And to heavily paraphrase, yet hold the meaning of the John 17:3 reference, “Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God”. When we know God, we know ourselves and when we know ourselves, we know God. There’s just no separation.

This knowledge is not the knowledge of objects. This knowledge cannot be spoken of, written, described. It could not be shared. It could not be fully expressed. It could not be understood in the way one understands a subject. No wonder Lao Tzu, the 6th Century BC philosopher and author of the Tao Te Ching wrote, “The tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal Name”.

He then goes on to describe the tao, failing miserably.

---

Meditation: The Divine as Your Own Being

• Sit quietly. Let the breath come as it does. Nothing to manage. Nothing to change. As you read this, watch the breath.

• Now become aware of the simple fact that you are. Stay there for a minute or two. Notice that there’s a solid ‘yes’ to the fact that you are! Not what you are. Not who you are. Just… that you are. Do you see what I am pointing at?

• Notice how obvious this is.
  You don’t need proof.
  You don’t need belief.
  You don’t need to remember your name.
  There is just this being—silent, present, undeniable.

• Let the mind do whatever it wants for now.
  You’re not here to stop it.
  You’re just here to see.

• Ask gently, with no strain:
  Who is it that is aware right now?

• Don’t answer.
  Wait.
  Listen.
  Feel into the space the question opens. Don’t look for cues in memories of narratives of past literature, the language of spiritual teachers, scriptures etc. Just feel into that space.

• Now drop even the question.
  What remains? There’s no need to go forward or backward.
  No higher state to reach.
  No better version of you to become. Everything that appears(thoughts, sensations, moods) they’re just weather.
  But what is the sky they move through?

• Don’t try to see it.
  Let it reveal itself.

Now say silently:
“Whatever I was looking for… I never left it. I am it.”

Let that sink in as a recognition.
It’s subtle. It’s still. It’s without fanfare. If resistance shows up, perhaps confusion, doubt, any type of emotion, welcome it! This too is part of the Divine wearing your face. Let it all be here. Nothing is outside of it. Nothing inside of it.

Now rest—without effort, without story, without seeking.
Just rest in being.

---

Contemplative Currents is a free (bi-weekly) newsletter that aims to shed light into our daily experiences as opportunities for contemplation of this glorious Mystery. If you'd like to support my work, please consider subscribing and/or sharing this free Substack. If you’re looking to monetarily support, buying my book, This Glorious Dance: Thoughts & Contemplations About Who We Are, is enough. I'm grateful for your support in whatever