Every relationship is a relationship with one's own self

The Mirror of Connection + a reflective exercise

Feb 09, 2025

My friend (and also a subscriber to this Substack), Laurie, called me over the weekend. She needed a sounding board for a complicated situationship she found herself in. She had been falling for a young lad who, on paper, seemed perfect—he ticked all the right boxes. The challenge was, she wasn’t entirely sure he felt the same. To complicate matters further, they were about to go into business together, and she didn’t want their professional relationship to be muddied by the uncertainty of potential romance.

As we talked through her concerns, I completely understood her hesitation and the diceyness of the situation. But beneath the specifics of her situation, something became incredibly clear to me—something I see reflected in every relationship we have, something that takes fully opening our eyes to see beyond the illusion: there are no others. Every connection, every entanglement, every dynamic we navigate is, at its core, a relationship with ourselves. And so, when situations like this arise, they become an opportunity—not just to figure out what’s happening with another person, but to explore what’s unfolding within us.

You know I’m finding it interesting that in the spaces where connection is made, we often look outward, seeking something beyond ourselves—a partner, a friend, a teacher, or even an adversary. We are implicitly taught to see relationships as interactions between separate entities. You and I meet, we engage, and so a relationship is formed. What we are not taught is that the relationships are a deeper mirror of what’s going on within ourselves. Even in the dealing with situations within these relationships, we tend to focus on said situations rather than our relationship with ourselves within the context of situations. Yet, if we look deeply enough, we come to see that these relationships, these outer engagements, are reflections of a much more intimate relationship: the one we have with ourselves. Our interactions are like mirrors, reflecting aspects of our own minds and hearts. The entire experience of an other is ultimately an experience of our own perceptions, emotions, and responses.

Every person we meet, every interaction we have, draws something from the depths of our own being. The irritations we feel, the love that arises, the judgments that surface—these are all signposts pointing back to us. They highlight the beliefs we hold, the fears we nurse, and the desires we seek. In this way, relationships act as mirrors, reflecting what is already present within. They give us a view of our internal landscape, a landscape that is often hidden from direct sight. You see what I mean? This seeing— that all relationships are within could reshape our entire understanding of connection. It truly is a movement inward, a subtle redirection of attention from the world to the uncharted territory of the self.

Let’s even consider an adversarial relationship to prove this even further— that is, one marked by conflict and discord. On the surface, it seems the clash is between two distinct individuals with opposing views. But if we look closely, we may see that the anger, the resistance, and the judgments we direct outward are fueled by something that resides within. Perhaps it’s an internal unrest or a disowned aspect of ourselves that seeks acknowledgment. The adversary, in this light, becomes a teacher, an unwitting guide to our own shadows. In my experience, just by remembering this, the nature of the relationship shifts. Instead of focusing on changing the other or resolving the external conflict, we can instead turn inward and address the roots of discord within our own hearts. Oh, I’m in no way saying we can’t face situations with an other to address issues. I am saying that the issues may stem from within, when we address the internal, we are able to bring the internal resolutions to an external remediation.

Even in love, the inward nature of the sole-relationship is evident. The qualities we admire in another, the beauty we perceive, are resonances within our own being. They are parts of us that are recognized, evoked, and given space to express themselves through the presence of another. When we say we love someone, what we often mean is that their presence allows us to touch a part of ourselves we find beautiful. They are, in essence, facilitators of our own self-recognition.

The paradox I’m pointing to here is that while relationships seem to be about others, they are deeply about us. Every connection, every interaction, is a meeting with our own mind, our own emotions, and ultimately, our own sense of self. This is why the quality of our relationships changes when we change. When we cultivate self-awareness, compassion, and acceptance within ourselves, the way we engage with others transforms. We no longer seek completion from others because we find a sense of wholeness within. We are less reactive because we understand that the trigger points are within us, not outside of us.

To recognize that all relationships are within is to reclaim a deeper sense of responsibility for our own experience. It shifts the locus of control from the external to the internal. It is an acknowledgment that the peace, the love, or the conflict we seek or experience in relationships are rooted in our own minds. Once again, this is in no way a rejection of others, or gaslighting of one’s self. Look at it! It’s a recognition of the inherent unity of all experience. We may begin to see that the boundary between self and other is more porous than we thought, that the qualities we perceive in others are deeply intertwined with the qualities we carry within.

This inward gaze does not mean isolation or detachment from others; rather, it enriches our relationships by grounding them in self-awareness and the recognition of our true selves. When we see that all relationships are fundamentally with the self, we approach others with more empathy and openness. We understand that they too are navigating the complexities of their own internal landscape, and our interactions are opportunities to hold mirrors up against each other.

In this way, in seeing this, like me, you may be tickled knowing that relationships become a continuous dialogue with the self— an opportunity for self-discovery, for self-play, for worship of the Divine, for healing, and for the integration of the fragmented aspects of our being. My use of this expression of fragmentation isn’t to say that one is broken but to highlight how what we perceive as brokenness and needing integration is similar to the joy of playing a jigsaw puzzle. No one puts jigsaw puzzles back together because they are a problem. Instead we put it back together for the enjoyment of play.

So as we turn our gaze inward and acknowledge the profound truth that all relationships are within, we step into a deeper relationship with life itself. We engage with the world not as a collection of separate entities but as expressions of a unified whole, where every connection points back to the self, and every interaction is an invitation to greater self-awareness. It is the self meeting its own reflection in the many faces and forms it encounters. To realize this is to embrace a fuller sense of responsibility and freedom, where the quality of our relationships reflects the depth of our relationship with ourselves.

Contemplative Exercise: Meeting Yourself in Relationship

This exercise is designed to experience what I mean by shifting attention from outward relationship dynamics to the inner experience they reflect. Set aside 10–15 minutes for this, preferably in a quiet space where you won’t be disturbed. Have a journal ready too.

Step 1: Bring a Relationship to Mind

Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Let your awareness settle into your body. Now, bring to mind a relationship that is active in your life—perhaps one that feels charged, whether with love, frustration, longing, or uncertainty. It could be a romantic relationship, a friendship, a work relationship, or even someone who triggers you.

As you hold this person in your awareness, notice how their presence affects you. What sensations arise in your body? Warmth? Tension? Openness? Resistance?

Step 2: Shift the Focus Inward

Now, rather than focusing on them—what they have done, what they might do, what they mean to you—shift your attention inward. Ask yourself:

What part of me is activated by this relationship?
What longing or fear does this person illuminate within me?
What do I believe they give me that I do not already have?
What about them do I resist, and where does that resistance live in me?

Sit with each question and observe what arises, without judgment.

Step 3: Dissolving the "Other"

Imagine, just for a moment, that this person is not separate from you. That what you admire in them is a reflection of something within you. That what frustrates you in them is a mirror of something within you seeking to be acknowledged.

If this were true, how might you feel energetically.

Say silently to yourself: This relationship is showing me myself.

Let this thought settle. How does it feel? Is there relief? Discomfort? A sense of curiosity?

Is there a sense of freedom or further resistance? If resistance, pay attention to it again. Where does this resistance live within you? Can you also see that there’s nothing outside you, it’s happening only within you.

If there’s a sense of freedom, what is that freedom? Could you conclude that this is a natural state?

Step 4: Journal Reflection

Open your eyes and write freely about what surfaced. Here are some prompts to guide you:

"When I think about [this person], I notice that I feel..."
"The qualities I see in them that I admire are..."
"The qualities I resist in them are..."
"What if these qualities were actually within me?"
"What is this relationship teaching me about myself?"

Step 5: Integration

As you move through your day, carry this perspective with you. Each time you interact with someone, take a moment to ask: What in me is being reflected here? Notice how this changes your experience of connection.

Relationships are not about others. They are doorways to deeper self-awareness. When we truly see this, every interaction becomes a meeting with ourselves.

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